Things Change in an Instant

When I got up this morning I had planned to sit down and look at some of the ideas I had written down for new posts. I spent a little time relaxing this morning, watching some shows that were still on the DVR, flipping through the pages of Poets & Writers magazine, and enjoying my coffee.

I happened to get up to start bringing my belongings into the office when I noticed Cain was shaking.

If you have ever seen Cain, you know he is a pretty happy dog and it is pretty noticeable. His little nub of a tail wags and it causes his whole body to wiggle.

This was not what he was doing.

A few weeks ago we had a similar experience. Cain was resting on the loveseat, I had walked past, he looked up and his whole head started to shake. It freaked me out, but in a brief second it was over and I just assumed it was him wagging his tail. I told Big M about it and even mentioned it looked like he was having a seizure, but I just couldn’t be sure. I promised to watch him and if it happened again, I would take him over to the vet.

I watched. I waited. Nothing happened.

Until this morning.

I sat by him, checked his tail, it was not wagging. His head was shaking and I just wanted to make it stop. This time is lasted longer than a second. It seemed to last an eternity, but it was just a matter of minutes. I tried to talk to him, to console him, knowing there was nothing else I could do.

Cain is not just a dog to me; he is my baby, my child, my furry son. Cain came into my life when he was 6 months old. I had been married a few months and we had just purchased our first house. Cain is my best friend, someone who loves me unconditionally. He has been with me through some of the best and worst parts of my life.

I called the vet. Shaken. Disturbed. I am to watch him and call if it happens again. Thankfully my vet is right up the street. He has an appointment with her in the morning.

I feel I have failed as a fur parent. While I do have some money in savings, the vet no longer makes payment arrangements and wanted me to go through some credit company. I tried, and was denied. I had to file bankruptcy due to my divorce so that is preventing me from being able to take care of my dog. My life, the choices I have made, are preventing me from taking care of my dog. He depends on me and right now he needs me.

I have no idea what the vet is going to find. All I know is watching something you love so much fall apart right in front of you eyes (whether on 4 legs or 2) and there is nothing you can do to fix it really messes with you mentally.

There are so many things running through my mind right now that I can’t even complete a thought. It is funny to say how much I love that dog. How weird it must sound to some when I say I can’t imagine my life without him, but it is the truth. He is my buddy and such a huge part of my life.

His sister, Casey, who is a few years younger, loves her big brother so much. I can’t imagine how she would be if he was no longer with us. While I do love Casey, she’s my girl, and I am emotionally attached to her as well, it’s not the same attachment as Cain.

My heart is breaking.  I don’t know what’s going to happen and I don’t know if I am going to be able to afford to take care of what’s happening.

Now all I can do is sit and wait.